Designer: LGM
Codings: Manikka
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we talked.
i realised people were so like me.
i didnt expect him to say all those.
it seems to be the 1st time he confessed.
"you are a star that shines, not a star to commit suicide. its look cutely disgusting."
haa. he was the first one who made me laugh loudly this week.
thanks lay yan.

thanks hy.
for always being there for me.
for being the one who doesnt scold me.
for being always nice to me.

thanks mrs m.
for always listening to my crap.
cause i know it isnt your duty.
but you did anway.
thanks for giving my advices,
when i didnt know what to do.

thanks ms ng.
for giving me a
19/30 compo mark.
for making me realise how my compo sucks.

thanks to friends.
who tolerated me for every horrible things.

thanks to myself.
who made my life bad.

72/100.
chinese test.
surprised, didnt study for it.

i'm a star that shines.

*PS. ly says to smell your armpit(crude. and word for word), pour milk on it and drink.
please find a arc for it.

you know i wont jump down.
as hy says i'm too hum-ji.
i wont do that.

my mood.
a little unstable.
it seems worst than usual.
i cant help it.
even chianru discovers it.
is it so obvious?
i do admit it isnt stable.
i need counselling is it.
i dont know.
sucks.

it was good talking to her.
it felt a phew after that.

after all,
it's up to me.

thats the problem,
of me being indecisive and everything.

thanks hy for the hug.
you were the first one,
and should be the last one.

i hope i die,
with a true smile on my face.

what do you do,
when your oral examiner is yawning
right in front of you.
do you slap her with words?
do you return her with a fake smile?
do you ignore it?
or do you yawn back?

yawning is contagious.
i hope she knows it.
as a oral examiner,
she shouldnt yawn in front of me.
everyone is tired.
but you dont see me yawning in front of you.
wheres the courtesy to even say sorry?
you even yawned TWICE.
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i am a human.
i do need hugs every now and then.
not pricking questions
which hurt.
hugs are things you may think is small.
to me,
a small hug can brighten up my day,
and make my life better.
it does plant a smile on my face,
instead of a glum everyday.
-------------------------------------------------

i passed my probability test.
with a 11/12.
it may be just a pass.
but it's my first pass in maths
this year. no kidding.
thats how much i suck.
------------------------------------------------

i do survive physically for Os.
mentally dead.
it hurts,
in every action you do.
even small stuff hurts
to a fragile heart like me.

give me a hug every now and then.
a true one.

wedding is over.
more of a family reunion.
was glad to see my cousins again.
that familiar feeling came back.
my aunt gave us each a hug when she went back.
that felt nice.
i haven got a hug for a long time.
i appreciate that a lot.

wine satisfy me.
was glad to know i can have some.
wasnt thinking about bad stuff when wine was there.
right in front of me.

my cousin was happy.
so was my cousin-in-law.
handsome and pretty.
they make a good couple.

the day ended,
with me and my brother taking cab home.
could not fall asleep,
and toss around.
fuck.

106 days to O's first paper.
and my birthday.
it may be just a short 106 days,
i wonder if i can survive till that day.
to celebrate my 17th birthday.

was everything my mistake.
i shouldnt even be here.
you shouldnt even give birth to me.
you made me
and made my life suffer.

you said it was my fault.
and part of the missing hp was because of me.
you shouted and asked him to scold me.
he did.
i dropped tears.
i didnt have the energy to argue.
i am very tired of it.
fuck whoever took my phone.
you made my life more terrible than usual.
as if i have not enough troubles.

i wonder whether you were guilty
when you asked whether i wanted a new phone.
i rejected.
not because i was stubborn.
i just didnt want it.
you werent sincere.

he said to use his phone.
i didnt want it too.

fake people all around.

thanks chian ru for making my nails beautiful.
i will kepp them till monday.
if i can and i'm still alive.

cousin's wedding tomorrow.
wonder if he's nervous now.
excited. best event.

one day,
when i'm dead.
i will laugh in hell,
at the way you're crying,
telling me how much you love me.

maybe you wouldnt even do that.

i'm dead.

read everyone's blog.
was all about her.
i didnt blame her for the lecture we got.
i was NEUTRAL.

i was guilty i have to admit.
thats why i was stuck on the chair.
i do bitch about her.
and she does stare at me.
and i accept the fact that she has a problem.

people were angry with her.
can sense it.
understand and you wont be angry.
read her blog,
and was touched.
this was what she said,
"if there is a fire in the school
i'll run to level 4 first.
because 5B is there.
my 23 helpless and injured door are there."

i didnt exepct that truthfully.
it's nice and touching.
and makes me feel my tears dropping.
sorry for making you disappointed.

thanks mrs m.

thanks for asking how was i.
i am great i guess.
thanks mdm rehana.

at times,
tears would just splash out like free.
and i was the only one to stop it.
i cant.
and i need someone.

everyone need extra attention from someone special.
me too.

first.
light, whoever you are.
please give a name for youself?
whoever call themselves light.
anyways, without a name,
there's no identity.
and, why do you say i push others away.
do i? are you there to see it or even there to sense it?
are you part of my social life?
or are you even in my life?

thanks ly,
for teaching ss today.
though you were a little impatient,
it was great.
and thanks,
for reminding me that we have a prelim.

dnt artefact - half way through.
can start to see the shape forming.

passed my physics test for first time.
18/25.
muhahaha.
didnt tell her though.
she wouldnt care.

my phone disappear right in the air.
it went missing in my own house.
believe it or not.
please ring my house if looking for me.

today english narrative test.
sucks.
wrote crap.
hope she can accept it.

he'e getting better.
though his temper is horrible,
i can still stand for at least one month.
she cried. worth it?
i do not know.
not used to seeing him around when i come home.
weird.

first.
thanks to people who tagged.
especially her.
i didnt expect it though.
thanks.

been going to the hospital for 2 days.
the first day i saw my father on the bed,
i shed a silent tear.
what i saw,
was a old man,
lying on the bed,
with his leg injured seriously.
i was sad,
and could do nothing expect to give him less worries.
second day was better.
his colleagues came,
he was laughing and joking around.
and my mum and i carried lots of things home.
i wonder how he will be today.
hope he can come back really soon.

thanks to you who emailed me.
i understood what you meant.
and will try to do some of those.
thanks.

have to rush to the hospital now.

rumours do start from people around you.
when they start to dislike you (i suppose),
they start to say things.
first, my phone was sold.
then my phone is with the teacher.
ok, so they do take note that i'm not using my phone.
and so?
conclusion: my phone is with the teacher.
fuck.

i am trying to change it.
i am really trying.
if what i am doing is not enough,
then i cant do anything,
seriiously.
i am just a helpess person now.
floating in the air.
do they know?
no.
right, i cant do anything for that.
say i'm dumb, i'm a fucker, i'm a damn person who shouldnt be on earth.
i do not care anymore.

even she thinks that way.
did she ever ask me why i am feeling that way?
she concludes with what she thinks.
she is disappointed with me,
i am too with her.
not exactly disappointed.
i didnt even put any expectations of her.

i emailed her,
she replied me.
am glad that she did. =)
at least someone bothered about me.

i am an invisible person,
walking around the school,
and going for lessons.
around is air and only air.
and some voices which came from humans.
some remained in my air,
some went off.

this was what she shared with me,

What Happiness Is
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married,have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren'told enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we'refrustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly behappy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our lifewill be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, whenwe get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.

If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admitthis to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favoritequotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it hadseemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there wasalways some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first,some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid.Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacleswere my life".

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness.

Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. Andtreasure it more because you shared it with someone special, specialenough to spend your time and remember that time waits for no one

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school,until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you havekids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until youretire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Fridaynight, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, untilhome is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, untilwinter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, untilyour song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up,until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is nobetter time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Work like you don'tneedmoney, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching.


of course,
these words remained in my air.
they stayed and will stay for long.
besides,
who else will be willing to speak to me for more than 5 sentences?
i hope she recovered,
and is feeling better.

my air is dull,
and polluted.

have not blogged for days.
nothing special happening.
i'm anti now.

i'm neither left nor right.
i'm stuck right there.
same spot same place,
where things happened.

nothing will change.
they wont.

most important things
are still the exams.

too bad.
i've upset many people,
just like people upset me.
this is the true world.